The City Council convened in emergency session yesterday following growing public concern over what officials are calling a “significant and unsanctioned increase” in the orphan population within city limits. Long considered a minor civic nuisance, street orphans—often barefoot, often suspiciously sticky—have become a common sight in every district, from the soot-choked alleys of Blackgate to the marble fountains of Highspire. Reports of orphans swarming bakery carts, vanishing into chimney flues, and forming impromptu rooftop choirs have surged in recent weeks. One guard captain described an encounter with “no fewer than seven children stacked inside a single barrel,” all of whom “hissed and disappeared when questioned.”
In response, the city has authorized a 75,000-gold increase in funding for the Orphan Control Administration (OCA), which will expand patrols, establish new intake stations, and—according to Commissioner Rivel Thorne—ensure that “each unclaimed minor is safely and efficiently redirected to state care.” The crown jewel of this effort will be the long-delayed reopening of the Orr Municipal Orphanarium, a towering stone facility on the city’s west side that has stood dormant since the “Boiled Shoe Riot” of 702 A.F. “The Orphanarium has been fortified, cleaned, and magically sealed,” said Commissioner Thorne in a public address. “We assure the public that no child once admitted will ever again be a burden on the streets. Or the windowsills. Or the underside of your garden cart.”
Critics, however, question the efficacy—and ethics—of the OCA’s aggressive collection protocols. “We’ve had cases of children being scooped up just for wearing patchy cloaks,” said Dandra Noke, a local cobbler and informal advocate for street youth. “Not every small, dirty person is an orphan. Some of us just work retail.” When asked how many orphans currently roam the streets of Orr, Commissioner Thorne sighed and gestured broadly at a city map covered in tiny red pins. “Frankly? More than anyone authorized.”
WHAT YOU CAN DO Citizens are encouraged to report suspiciously parentless activity to their local Watch precinct. Do not attempt to feed or clothe wild orphans—doing so may result in imprinting, which complicates retrieval. To volunteer at the Orphanarium or to sponsor an OCA retrieval net, send a raven to the Civic Administration Hall, care of the Ministry of Wayward Youth.
ADVERTISEMENT
Humane Vermin Control. Rodents? Gremlins? Something whispering in the walls? We use natural alchemical deterrents and kindly worded wards to evict unwanted guests—permanently. ✨ 30% off attic sweeps this quarter! Now hiring brave apprentices.
